im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When did angry sex become our thing?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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