he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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