Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
