Got a toothbrush?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
