Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
