Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
