i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
