I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
