when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
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I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
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They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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