I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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