Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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