help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
