why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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