ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
