So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
