What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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