He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
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I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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