All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Girls should come with a carfax report
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
