took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just forgot I was standing up.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize