I accidentally had phone sex last night
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
