god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
