its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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