im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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