my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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