Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
