I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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