U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
