I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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