you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
