I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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