All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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