We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
