When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
