I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
