walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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