True but thats because hes a fetus.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
