If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
