Well douche your snatch and let's go!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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