Plan B is the new Plan A
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
