Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
