im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
