yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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