tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
