She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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