If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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