Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
