I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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