I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
