Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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