Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
