I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
