anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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