she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
