If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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