sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
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Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
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Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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