I was born with a shot glass in my hand
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
