"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
