I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
