My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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