For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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