After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
