The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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