I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
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it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
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Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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